Today I realised that I really dislike expectation
Particularly the expectation to be funny
It puts me under all kinds of pressure that I have previously experienced - therefore heightening the current experience here at TCFT Sarteano.
For a long time I have been funny
I have been the clown
The person to ease the tension
To make everyone feel better
But a lot of time that puts me personally at risk
I write this now because I’ve been speaking with a lot of bold and brave people
and maybe because I’m slightly drunk..
By being the clown
The funny one
A lot of the time that makes me the most vulnerable one
And although i provide laughs and happiness for others
It doesn’t necessarily mean that I am always happy within myself
I am aware of my body
I accept my body
And I accept who I am because of this
But today I couldn’t quite deal with the expectation
It’s been a few years since i’ve played the part of the fool
And I really forgot how much expectation people have on me because of my ‘funny’ characteristics
The hardest job
Is to play the fool
Even though TCFT is a safe place
I still felt extremely judged for every movement I made
Perhaps it wasn’t as funny as everyone had expected it to be?
It’s really hard to explain
And i’m not sure I can do it much justice in my state right now (drunk)
BUT after hearing everyone speaking about how ‘natural’ I was at being funny and how ‘funny’ I was - a certain expectation was set - thus creating the feeling that I have to constantly live up to that funny face I pulled yesterday
How can I possibly do that?!
Especially with a crowd (an audience watching me) that are watching specifically because they’ve heard that I’m funny…
To me that’s just impossible.
It imposes pressure.
I didn’t want to play the clown.
I didn’t want to be that funny person everyone expected.
And although I really enjoyed the clown workshop yesterday - today I struggled.
I found it very hard to have fun and I didn’t feel too great.
I hate having to prove myself, my worth and my funniness.
Anyway - after dinner today I went for a long walk up to the castello and then around the town. Then I arrived for the poetry night in the pub where I shared one of my poems.
It was well received and I left the pub feeling rather elated.