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Violet Nights

August 10, 2017

 

I fear for sharing this. 

But it's part of my learning process.

And we don't always necessarily say what we mean. And I think we shouldn't be fearful of opening our mouths to question things and to say things that might not entirely be right or might juxtapose the worlds thoughts. Without questioning there is no development, no change. We shouldn't have to fear being torn down for saying something alternative. 

 

We should be allowed to talk things through. To be wrong. To say alternative things. And to learn. To be educated. Not to be bullied for having a skewed opinion. Not to be alienated. But to be welcomed to a new opinion. 

 

I've had a long day. I've had a great day. And I've just come back from Violet Nights and I'm feeling really emotional right now. 

 

I'm overwhelmed with philosophical thought. And, am I really a part of such a horrible race? 

 

I don't know. I never ever think about being a white person. And I understand that's because of my white privilege. I don't need to think about being white because it's not a problem. It's the world and it's how the world sees the world. The world is seen as white. 

 

But for me. 

I never think of the world as white. 

And again.

Maybe that's because of my white privilege. 

 

But as a fat person. I can relate in instances. But as a fat person I never think oh it's a skinny persons world. And I know I shouldn't really use the word skinny as it's offensive. And Ive never known what it's like to be thin. So I apologise. But I'm working in solid binaries at the moment. Because tonight I feel like I was served with clear binaries. The white world (aka the world) and the black the world. 

 

But as a fat person (I can say that because I am fat. Really and truly fat. Not just a medium sized person saying they're fat) I never think that I'm living in a thin persons world. I never think that I need to create a world just for fat people.... 

 

But now. Saying that. I have been thinking that fat people need a safe space to exercise. Away from all the thoughts about body image. Away from all the judgement of bodies... so I guess in a sense maybe that's what people who are black are thinking. Providing a safe space for black people to talk. To be. To have conversation. 

 

But I never see that binary in the world. And is that just because I'm white? It's causing me so much issue right now. 

 

I never feel like I see that binary because (well I think because) I see black people as people. As human. As part of the human race. And as a white person I never have to think about any prejudice black people might be thinking about or feeling on a day to day basis.

 

Like I'm so fucking unaware of it and it fucking hurts to know that. 

 

I don't ever look at a black person as different to myself. And well. Maybe part of the problem is that? The entire ignorance of that? The entire ignorance of the fact black people are different / or seen as different. 

 

Like I'm not sure. And I'm not sure what that last sentence means.

 

But I will never know what it's like to be black as I have never know what it's like to be skinny. And I just feel I need some huge education on this. 

 

I don't ever want to be a part of the problem.

 

This evening I was at a discussion about woke twitter IRL. And it was probably one of the only times I've felt excluded. And it was a real "this is what minorities feel like" and for me it was a really positive experience to have. Sitting in a room filled with humans who were talking about a subject that related to them and not me in nearly anyway. Everyone should have an experience like that. 

 

And no. It's not the same as being the only fat person in a room full of thin people. That's often a daily for me. And not something that is discriminated against outrightly. Yes I may not be able to fit through normal sized gaps, fit behind people's chair or even fit in chairs for that matter. But it's nowhere near the same as what I experienced this evening. 

 

This evening I was excluded purely because of the colour of my skin because the subject was not relevant to me. And to me this is not an issue at all. Let me voice that loud and clear. It was a very important thing to experience and be a part of. I gained amazing insight. I let go of innate racism when comments around white people came up. We're in a white world. The world black people are surrounded by is owned by white people. And it's very important that black people have the space to combat this world and a space to do this together and safely. 

 

I was excluded this evening and I was not relevant to discussion. Comments around white bodies - be that individuals or organisational bodies - were made and even a book called "this is why I'm not talking to white people about race" was brought up. 

 

And in this moment I thought, why are black people excluding themselves from the rest of society? Why can't I be a part of the conversation? 

 

But then I realised. That's just like asking a thin person to be a part of a fat discussion. That's just like asking a thin person who has been thin all their lives to give advice to the obese about losing weight. 

 

Like it's not realistic. 

And I know my analogies are ridiculous in comparison but it's how I'm trying to wrap my head around all of this. 

 

And I know a lot of the human population will see my fat comments as completely invalid, because fat people have a choice to be fat right? 

 

Black people don't get to choose their skin colour. Just like I didn't get to choose my skin colour this evening. 

 

I am very grateful for being a part of such an important conversation this evening. And thank you so much to the violet night team and audience for welcoming me in and allowing me to listen. 

 

My mind is fucked.

I am tired.

And you've changed me.

 

Just to note: 

 

This all just streamed out of me. I have not edited any words or thought processes that came to mind. 

 

Please do call me out.

Please do not be hateful.

Please be educational.

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