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Sarteano: Expectation

April 1, 2017

 

Expectation

 

Today I realised that I really dislike expectation

Particularly the expectation to be funny

 

It puts me under all kinds of pressure that I have previously experienced - therefore heightening the current experience here at TCFT Sarteano.

 

For a long time I have been funny

I have been the clown

The person to ease the tension

To make everyone feel better

 

But a lot of time that puts me personally at risk

I write this now because I’ve been speaking with a lot of bold and brave people

and maybe because I’m slightly drunk..

 

By being the clown

The funny one

A lot of the time that makes me the most vulnerable one

And although i provide laughs and happiness for others

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I am always happy within myself

 

I am aware of my body

I accept my body

And I accept who I am because of this 

 

But today I couldn’t quite deal with the expectation 

 

It’s been a few years since i’ve played the part of the fool

And I really forgot how much expectation people have on me because of my ‘funny’ characteristics 

 

The hardest job 

Is to play the fool

 

Even though TCFT is a safe place

I still felt extremely judged for every movement I made 

Perhaps it wasn’t as funny as everyone had expected it to be? 

 

It’s really hard to explain

And i’m not sure I can do it much justice in my state right now (drunk) 

 

BUT after hearing everyone speaking about how ‘natural’ I was at being funny and how ‘funny’ I was - a certain expectation was set - thus creating the feeling that I have to constantly live up to that funny face I pulled yesterday 

 

How can I possibly do that?! 

Especially with a crowd (an audience watching me) that are watching specifically because they’ve heard that I’m funny…

 

To me that’s just impossible.

It imposes pressure.

 

I didn’t want to play the clown.

I didn’t want to be that funny person everyone expected.

 

And although I really enjoyed the clown workshop yesterday - today I struggled.

I found it very hard to have fun and I didn’t feel too great. 

I hate having to prove myself, my worth and my funniness. 

 

Anyway - after dinner today I went for a long walk up to the castello and then around the town.
Then I arrived for the poetry night in the pub where I shared one of my poems. 

It was well received and I left the pub feeling rather elated.

 

 

 

 

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